I Wanted You to Stay, You Didn’t

“Do I still believe in love?”

This is one of the questions I always wake up to, and my answer is always,

“As much as I want to, but it seems like I don’t believe in love anymore.”

I really want to believe in love again, but it’s just so hard to believe if it really exists, if true love and someone who will love you unconditionally really exists. I guess this is what heart breaks bring, the loss of believing in love once more. I always do my best to keep myself busy, but at the end of the day I still go back to the thoughts of my former lover, and the thought of him always breaks my heart, brings tears in my eyes and drains away all the energy I have.

I saw him yesterday and it was the first time that I saw him but I ignored him. In usual cases, once either of us see each other, we usually say hi even if the other one has someone he/she has talking to because that’s the case with lovers right? You talk to each other because hearing your lover’s voice makes your day and a day without hearing from each other is like a day you can’t survive and cannot stand at all.

I wanted to cry after seeing him walk away, tears were flooding in my eyes and I want to run after him and say, “hi, how was your first day? Did it go well?” But every time I have the thought of wanting to talk to him, I always remember the conversations we have lately, he would always just say “Yup” “Sure” “Okay” unlike before that he would really take time to reply to my very long messages because he knows very well that long messages make me really happy.

It hurts to think that the person I’ve missed for a very long time now has changed entirely, not because he needed to but because he wanted to. Sometimes people change for other people to accept them, but sometimes people change so that other people would reject them. I learned that the hard way. All those short replies, rejected conversations and ignoring tactics were his ways to make me go away from him, and I realized it late. I should have known that we can never stay friends with someone we used to love. Because at the end of the day, that person will not stay as a friend, but a friend whom we have shared a thousand beautiful memories with. If these memories bother again one day, that’s when the pains of heart break will be coming back.

“If someone really wants to be in your life, they will make an effort to stay. If they don’t, just let them walk away.”

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